with tears falling down my face, i screamed, “no, i cannot take this anymore,” as my body shook uncontrollably,

my heart pounding through my chest,

my stomach twisting itself inside out.

on the floor of my bedroom.

a bedroom that used to be our bedroom, now only filled with the remnants of who he was.

the pillow that still smelt like him.

the mattress we bought together.

the doona we used to fight over.

memories everywhere of what was.

after twelve months the pain was somehow even worse.

i didn’t want to feel like this anymore.

i couldn’t function with my whole body locked in grief, my mind trapped in the past.

i wanted to end it all right there on that floor.

then a voice, an idea, came from nowhere and told me to look something up.

and that single action stopped me cold and rerouted everything.

that voice was me

and from then on

it was the only one i heard.